ham sandwich (whiskeyagogo) wrote,

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it's strange how it always happens during my drive home from work...

i used to look strangely upon monks that gave up their physical life for one of meditating on the meaning of life...
to give up one's worldy possessions in order to reach the next level of consciousness...

i see people driving to work everyday...in their suit and tie, cable repair uniforms, nurses outfits...trying to create an existence for themselves while they populate this earth...
every single one of them striving to a gather a certain amount of significance in this conscious life before they perish...

i sat with a man a couple days ago...
a dishwasher for many years...immigrated to the us from mexico without a red cent...
is now trying to maintain viability in his mid 60's in a world run by suits and computers...
living a life on the brink of instability...
one false move from utter chaos...
i wonder how a man like that can find the urge to move onward...

a friend of mine whose wife left him 4 years ago...leaving him with a modicum of pride...found out last year that his parents were separating after over 30 years, because his mother could not stand for his father's indiscretions any longer...
his father cutting all financial ties from his mother...leaving her to fend for her own for the first time since their marriage...
a friend that was forced to take a side...a friend who is now estranged from his own father...

i ask him...how does he cope...
he wonders it himself...but his avenue is to find the deeper meaning in life...
he takes actions to make sense of all this in his mind...by attending life courses...like 'landmark forum' (previously known as EST training) and other motivational seminars...
he is also very much into the buddhist teachings...and meditates every morning...to get through his day...

i truly admire the way he maintains...

on my drives home from work...i wonder why i strap on my tie every morning to stew in a box for 10 hours of every workday...

i know what the answer is...

to exist...

after centuries pass...it really won't matter what i write tonight...or how i was feeling when i got off work today...
when the sun finally burns up and turns into a white dwarf...all vegetation on earth will perish...and life as we know it will cease to exist on this earth...
so why does it matter so much how i feel now?
why do we all live so vigorously when we know our consciousness will be but a blip on the cosmic radar?

i guess i am supposed to find solace from my christian education...to know that salvation will come to those that accept jesus christ as our savior...

"accept the lord and jesus christ as your savior...and there will be mercy on your soul in the afterlife..."

some choose jc...some allah...buddha...martians...

to have hope...blind faith...gives many peace in their mind that the physical life isn't all for naught...
that it is a test run for the nirvana that awaits them in the afterlife...the final beatitude that transcends suffering

i look at my parents at times and wonder if they have the same thoughts as i do...if not now...ever...

and i wonder how they manage to keep it all together...
they work because they have to...not because they want to...
they've worked for my sister and myself for many years...and for the most part...they still do...

i wonder if they ever have regret whenever my sister or i disappoint them...

watching them exercise regularly to maintain their health...and still work at the store full time gives me the strength to plod along on my course...

when i think about the sacrifices they've made for us it makes me weep...but i never let them know...

it truly gives me the want to work for them...
i'm sure it'll be the same if i decide to have kids...

..

this entry took a different direction than i had originally anticipated...

i'm kinda glad it did...

..

work sucks



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